afamilyfaithjourney

Welcome Home

2009-02-09T15:18:00.000-08:00

This is Nicole.
Forgive me...this is going to be scattered.
Mom died this morning. Marcus was there with her. He said it was peaceful. Dad, Shane and I got to the hospital soon afterward.
In her room, there was a white board that said "Welcome Mona." The hospice staff wrote it the day she arrived.
Very gently, this morning, Marcus walked up to the board and wrote the word Home after Welcome....so it read Welcome Home Mona.
This is tough stuff.
Thank you to everyone who loved my mom. She could probably remember all of your names. She made sure everyone felt precious and welcomed.
The visitation will be this Wednesday, Feb. 11 from 5-8 p.m. at Community Covenant Church. 901 Humboldt Ave. N. Her home church. The Memorial Service will be Thursday at 7 p.m. at Brookdale Covenant Church...the church where Marcus and Shelly were married and Eric and I were married. 5139 Brooklyn Blvd. Brooklyn Center, MN.
To be honest...I don't want to end this post....if I keep writing, somehow my mom will still be here. I know in my head that she is in Heaven and that she is having an amazing reunion with people she loves, but my heart hasn't quite caught up yet and I just need another hug...someday. I know she knows she is loved.
And I know that she would want me to thank everyone for their prayers.
Peace and Justice to you all.

Peaceful Sleep

2009-02-07T11:49:00.000-08:00

This is Nicole.
Mom is finally in a peaceful sleep. She hasn't talked, but her rest seems deep and peaceful. Dad stayed with her last night and he said it was good that he was there. He's going to stay again tonight and we'll just take it hour by hour.

Hospice

2009-02-03T14:00:00.000-08:00

This is Marcus.

My mom just moved into a hospice room at North Memorial this afternoon. The doctors are trying to control her pain in an effort to get her home. We will just have to play the next day or so by ear.

While my mother would like to see each and everyone of her friends and family, out of respect for her please contact either myself or Nicole before coming to the hospital. She is in and out a lot because of the medication and she likes to know who is around.

I am sure that you all can understand and we thank you in advance for your support and cooperation.

You can reach me by phone, or my email at: Myrayray2@aol.com

Hospital

2009-02-02T00:50:00.000-08:00

My mom is in the hospital.
She was overwhelmed by nausea and we're hoping the doctors can help figure it out.
Please continue to pray for her to be as comfortable as possible.

Update

2009-01-28T17:15:00.000-08:00

Hi Everyone.
This is Nicole.
My mom asked me to update the blog.
She did not have chemo #10. The doctors said she needs to get some strength back before they do another round.
She is still battling pain and nausea and she asks for prayers to get past this.

Thanks to everyone who sends their love and prayers.

The New Year

2009-01-08T15:04:00.000-08:00

A Peaceful and comfortable 2009 is wished to anyone reading this blog tonight. Nicole filled in for me over the weekend when I was a way from my computer.

A reaction to my pain medication – which I predicted when it was prescribed – brought me into the hospital with dehydration and nausea and pain. Next time I will agree sooner to go to the hospital. After the weekend in the hospital, I came home on Monday and have worked a bit this week.

My dear Uncle Ervin left his earthly journey last Wednesday morning. His service on Saturday was beautiful and touching according to all reports from Marcus, Nancy, Margaret and Dennis. I so regret having to miss the family time at that service. On New Year’s Eve, our Juliana crawled up on my lap in the middle of the Happy New Year confetti – at 8:00 p.m. – and said, “Grammona, I’m sorry about your uncle died.” I was overwhelmed by her sincerity and care.

I received a painting in the mail this week of an antiques gumball machine. Prominent in the front are three yellow gum balls and all of the others are behind and below. What a sweet message – even though they aren’t all yellow gum balls, the rest have just enough sweet gooiness in them to help us appreciate all days. I will put it on my inspiration wall to remind me of that each morning. Thank you, Margo.

So many of you have stepped forward in the last 2 weeks that we continue to be extraordinarily overwhelmed. Food (Karen, Sandy, Rudy & Arlis, Margaret) shoveling (Eric), cleaning(Nicole), decoration removal (Shane and Amber),babysitting (Rachel), cards( Sandra, Gayle, Monica and many more) loving wishes and Prayers. I hate to start with names for fear of forgetting some, but know that our prayers include you and God knows our gratitude. We almost share our anniversary with Rudy and Arlis – 1 day difference – and they brought cake and planned a celebration at church on Sunday, only to have us miss it. It was sweet and we’d love another chance to do it right.

We went to acupuncture for the second time this week. Ron went as an observer and read everything and now understands. I will see her once a week for the next three weeks and we will assess where we are. I also meet with the oncologist on Tuesday to decide what’s next for chemo. Nothing is decided now and I haven’t been able to talk to Dr. Thomas through all of this as she has been away.

“Because He lives, I can face tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow ...”

Feel the love and thank you for the prayers.

Going Home tomorrow

2009-01-04T15:44:00.001-08:00

It's Nicole.

Today is a YELLOW GUMBALL DAY!!! I walked into the hospital room and my mom was sitting up smiling! I almost fell over because I was so happy!
She gets to go home tomorrow morning and she's so excited about that!
Thank GOD that the docs got on the right page and got her pain under control.
She wants me to thank everyone for the prayers and they must be working.
I'm sure she'll feel good enough to update the blog herself tomorrow.
Thanks for letting me fill in!

Hospital Update

2009-01-04T06:31:00.000-08:00

It's Nicole again.
It's Sunday morning and my dad called. My mom called him this morning and said the pain patch has finally kicked in and she is getting some pain relief. She even ordered food for breakfast. This is a good thing.
I am going there after church for the afternoon and hopefully I'll let you know how she's doing later today.
Thanks for continuing to pray.

Hospital stay

2009-01-03T17:21:00.000-08:00

This is Nicole.
My mom wanted me to write a blog entry tonight. She is in the hospital, has been since last night. My dad took her in because she is in a lot of pain. The doctors haven't found the answer to the pain, but the nausea seems to be getting a bit better. The last chemo was a HUGE DOOZY and it took it's toll!!!!
She DOES NOT WANT ANY VISITORS OR ANY PHONE CALLS. She wants to get rest and concentrate on getting back home. She can't have any visitors anyway because she's in a special room that helps keep the germs out. I can't think of the name of it right now.
I was there today and I got home tonight and just got off the phone with her. She sounded a bit better.
Please continue to pray.
You can always email me: harrisnicolem@yahoo.com

Thanks!

Christmas Eve

2008-12-24T09:04:00.000-08:00

This writing has really been neglected in the last week. I guess we’ve been busy trying to get ready for Christmas. We are as ready as we are going to be and looking forward to being with our families. Tonight we will be at my sister’s with all of my side of the family except our nephews from San Francisco. Tomorrow afternoon we will be with Ron’s niece and all of his side of the family except one niece from Dallas and her children. Obviously, we wish everyone could be here, but we do understand. And with the airports being what they’ve been this week, it might have been some miserable traveling.

The last chemo was okay; more pain, but a couple of really good – yellow gumball – days in between. I think the acupuncture may have helped, but she is on vacation this week and next, so I have to wait to try it again.

Sunday night was the Christmas program at church and the kids were perfect – especially our Granddaughters who were a wise person (Selena) and two angels (Juliana & Kyla). They did their parts in a way that would make any Grandma proud. And Sunday morning in church, Jackson sat with Ron the whole time. We are baffled by their connection. And Addison kept puffing out her Christmas dress and sitting down – as if it were some kind of experiment.

We came home from the Christmas program to find Shane and his friend Amber decorating the house. The tree is beautiful and Shane has lights and angels and a Nativity set on the mantle and lights other places. That was a very special treat. And to listen to them laughing and teasing and having fun added so much peace to the season.

And now it is Christmas Eve. To live in the season of gratitude that we exist in is amazing. From prayers, to organic food, to prayers, to cards, to prayers, to dinners out and hugs and time we appreciate everything more than we can ever express.

“Shine, Jesus, shine; Fill this land with the Father’s glory.
Blaze, Spirit, blaze; Set our hearts on fire.
Flow, River, flow; Flood the nations with grace and mercy.
Send forth your word, Lord, and let there be light.”

Amen and Merry Christmas!

Chemo Seven Begins

2008-12-16T17:29:00.000-08:00

Usually I do this on Sunday night or Monday morning. I’m not sure what happened, but it is Tuesday evening now. I just had a delightful hour and a half, 10 mile drive home from work and Ron had dinner ready when I got here, so I’m feeling relaxed and well satisfied.

On Saturday we went to visit my Aunt and Uncle and their daughter in Rochester. He is our family elder and my Father’s brother. They are wonderful hosts and always make us feel special. When he called me to tell me it was okay to come, he called me, “Honey” and my heart melted. My Dad died 34 years ago and I didn't know how much I have missed being a “little girl” to somebody. He opened a floodgate of cleansing tears. Right now, both my Uncle Ervin and I are feeling controlled by our health challenges. It was such a special day.

Sunday night was my sister’s annual cookie exchange. How sweet it was to taste everyone’s creations and then bring home some of each. I only bake one kind of cookies and have eight kinds in the back porch for sharing. It’s like magic.

Tomorrow morning I go to the doctor at 9:20 and start my chemo at about 10:00. I am adding acupuncture this time to try to get a handle on some of the pain. She comes and does the acupuncture during the chemo. I can’t/don’t want to take the stronger pain meds if I can avoid it. We’ll see. This is all new to me, but I know several people with chronic health issues who have found relief with those needles.

We feel so humbled, empowered and appreciative with a whole army of praying people beside us. Thank you for continuing on this journey. And thank you Dede for lighting the candles. My heart is overflowing.

Scans Over - No Results

2008-12-11T05:59:00.000-08:00

Thank you to the many of you have called or emailed asking about the scan results. We won’t know the results until at least next week when the next chemo is scheduled. What I told the doctor was, “I know you need these tests, but I don’t. You and God take care of the treatment part and God and I will take care of the living part.”

I am feeling well this week; my arms are not hurting anymore and I even made eight dozen cookies Tuesday night.

Last night my friend, Sue, brought me a prayer shawl that she knit/prayed for me. It is beautiful in appearance and in spirit. I so appreciate her love and prayers and the warmth of being wrapped in so much care. I also loved that she commented that making a prayer shawl becomes such an unexpectedly spiritual experience. I found the same thing to be true. God carries us in unexpected ways every day.

Thank you for the care and the love and especially for the prayers as we continue this journey.

Advent Week Two; Chemo Six Finished

2008-12-08T06:03:00.000-08:00

Chemo six was easier; not so much pain and a bit more attention to rest. Because my blood pressure was high – an effect of Avastin – I was not able to get the Avastin this time. I had a bit of a bug that the doctor thought might be the flu, so I went in with some aches that I haven’t had before. It was not the flu, so I got a flu shot in one of the achy places. The Avastin is still on the menu if my blood pressure comes down.

As I’ve said before, this is a journey of learning. This week I learned that the independence that I have so valued for so long is not the empowerment that I thought it was. As a teen with more chores and responsibilities than most of my peers I became very independent. As a wife working the opposite shift of my husband, my independence continued. And it served me for many, many years. Now I know that giving up independence is empowering someone else to partner with me in a way I didn’t know I had missed all this time.

On Thursday I knew I needed to wash my hair, chemo port or no chemo port. Since my arms were the sore place, I had to ask Ron to wash my hair for me – something I never would have imagined even months ago. He did it gently and well and appreciated being asked. And I appreciated being cared for in that way. I am learning.

And last night Marcus and Eric brought in and moved around furniture so that we can have a television on the main floor. They also brought in Ron’s Mother’s desk. Eric thought they had done something wrong when he came back in the dining room only to find me sobbing at the memories and the love the desk brought.

By the way, baby Joseph Howard did come on Monday and is home with his tired Mom and Daddy and sister now.

This is the second week of Advent and we wait. This Tuesday I will have a CT scan and a bone scan. We are praying boldly for peace in this waiting.

And we sing “Blessed Assurance, Jesus Is Mine” and “He has Done Great Things for Me” and “Jesus Loves Me”, knowing the truth of our faith, the truth what no earthly technology can prove or disprove; we are loved people who serve a steadfast, living Lord who will walk with us, or gently carry us, wherever we go.

Advent Begins

2008-12-01T05:10:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was the first Sunday of Advent – waiting. Waiting seems to be one of our themes this fall also. And it seems more so on the days when energy is low and pain is noticeable. I am trying to be patient in my waiting and not be too pushy for answers, but Ron wants answers and solutions. Sometimes the caretaker and the cared for have different motives for needing or not needing to know.

We had a great celebration on Thanksgiving; 24 people older than 3 and four 1 year olds. Marcus and Shane moved furniture and stuff and added the leaves to the tables; Nicole came over after church on Thursday morning and brought more of what we needed and set all of the tables. It truly was a family event. Everyone brings food to our celebration, so all we do are the turkeys, the dressing and the potatoes. No one left hungry and the children seemed to reconnect and enjoy each other. The six girls (ages 3 to 10) formed a cheerleading squad for the pool table group and really livened up their tournament. All the aunts and cousins and daughters and Sandra did dishes so that Ron only had three soaking casseroles to wash after everyone left. We are living in gratitude for the laughter and love that so filled our home last Thursday.

Friday morning has been a traditional shopping day for us girls. I knew I wasn’t going to be at Rosedale at 4:00 a.m. when some of the stores opened. Shelly agreed to pick Nicole up at 5:45 a.m. and I decided that if I was awake, I would go along. Well, I was and I did. And for the first time ever, I actually bought some gifts. We had breakfast about 8:00 and went home. I did make a couple of stops that afternoon and then headed home for bed at 6:00 p.m. The rest of my shopping will be on-line. But I am grateful that I was able to share our tradition this year and get a pair of Christmas earrings – Margaret’s tradition of buying a pair for everyone who comes.

We celebrated two birthdays this weekend – Marty @ 63 and Hope Marie @ 3. The tone of the celebrations was a bit different, but birthdays are a wonderful chance to tell someone how special they are. And we celebrated a wedding – Johanna and Able Fernandez. What a lovely young couple, so caring and sweet with each other. We are grateful to have been included in all of these celebrations of life.

Today, my niece, Michelle, and her husband, Greg, will welcome their new son to earth. They have chosen to call him Joseph Howard. Please pray, beginning about noon, that Joseph’s trip will be routine, for Mom and baby, and that he will begin feeling hugs and kisses by the end of the day.

Yesterday in church we sang, “Open my eyes Lord, I want to see Jesus; to reach out and touch Him and say that I love Him. Open my ears Lord, and help me to listen. Open my eyes Lord, I want to see Jesus.” I have always prayed to learn to listen. I have often said to God, “I’m not getting it. Could you send the message in neon or something?” Well, I think He sent the neon, but I keep struggling with how I am supposed to use this situation to please God. So, I continue to pray that I will listen and understand.

Tomorrow, we begin chemo 6 if all of the blood work is okay. We boldly ask for your prayers that the medical knowledge is working and for patience for me as I ride this one out. Thank you again and again for being such an important part of this journey with us.

Chemo Five Finished!!!

2008-11-17T16:26:00.000-08:00

Well, chemo five had a few lessons for me. It knocked me down and kicked me a few times. And I kept thinking that I was letting God and my family down by not handling it better. Next chemo I want to think of my family all at Disneyland having fun so I can just ride it out and know that they are okay. I even lost my “pain is a good thing” concept for a while. And I decided not to do chemo on Thanksgiving week, so I get an extra five days of feeling strong this time.

But today is a yellow gumball day! I can hardly remember what Friday and Saturday felt like. Selective memory is good thing.

I did not get to spend the weekend with Victor Lewis. I went to the auction, but didn’t feel very good about myself when I just couldn’t help with the set-up or clean-up or anything in between. The committee is so understanding and overworked! I made a pair of beautiful mittens last night – no picture; you’ll have to take my word for it.

And Wednesday night was our last night of this unit of Confident Kids, a program we have done at our church for almost 20 years that still is the best Christ centered program available for kids. My favorite units are: All My Feelings Are Okay; Making Wise Choices; and Growing Through Times of Change (a grief unit). We keep hearing from kids who were part of the program in the past and have relied on the skills they learned in their current lives. If you are looking for a program for kids, this is it.

I am resigned to learning in this process and I learned this weekend that chemo weekend is not a time to plan activities or to have folks around; and that tomorrow will be a better day (if not tomorrow, the next day).

Karen and Sandy are really trying to educate me about foods and just brought me some special juices. I’m going to have one now and crawl into bed.

We never forget that the wind in our sails is supplied by the prayers you all so generously lift. And we thank God for each of you.

He has Done (and continues to do) Great Things for me! I pray that I will not forget to live in gratitude.

Chemo Five Begins Tomorrow

2008-11-11T20:32:00.000-08:00

This week passed so quickly and so eventfully that I haven’t thought about sitting and writing here. The election, our successful conference, babysitting for our granddaughters while Shelly went to a Christian women’s conference and Marcus went deer hunting (he got his first deer just about the time we decided that anyone whose favorite movie was “Bambi” could not actually shoot a deer), Ron and I buying ourselves each a recliner that fits (only the second time in 37 years that we have shopped for furniture together), a surprise evening visit from Nicole just to see how I was, our first winter school closings and work. It’s been a wonderful week! Thank you, Lord!

The one difference from other weeks was the amount of pain. I’ve just decided that the pain is the tumors being choked and destroyed by the chemo and it is tolerable – even welcome on some level.

Tomorrow begins chemo 5 at 10:00 a.m. I am armed with enough work to fill several hours and am looking forward to the increased attack on those cancer cells. I have learned and am learning so much about eating organic that I feel like a real participant in this process.

I am looking forward to spending three days this week learning from Victor Lewis from “The Color of Fear”. We also have the church harvest dinner and auction and a sewing night with relatives where I will learn to sew fleece mittens. I’ll let you know how that works out – or not.

We live in gratitude for the prayers and the pray-ers, for the people who have shared their journeys with us, for the hugs and love we feel every step of this path. I spoke to a woman at our conference whose sister had a diagnosis very similar to mine five years ago. She has not spent any time in the hospital and, except for some low energy days, keeps her life quite normal. Those are the stories that fill me with possibilities. So thank you to each of you for being our fellow travelers.

Our greatest joy is our faith and a Savior who LIVES! Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.

Election Night 2008

2008-11-04T21:45:00.000-08:00

After arriving at the polls at 7:03 this morning and standing in line for 2 hours to vote, having a wonderful time greeting neighbors and cheering for each “I Voted” sticker, we went about our day trying to fill the time until the results were in.

Now we have watched a generous and heartfelt concession speech and an eloquent victory speech. And we are just beginning to believe it.

Some of you do not agree with my politics, but I need for you to understand that today my children and grandchildren were finally given full citizenship in this country, with a complete set of hopes and dreams. There have been many times that I never thought I would live long enough to see this – even before my current diagnosis.

I am incredibly grateful tonight that I got to celebrate and cry and shout and laugh with Ron, Marcus, Nicole and Shane as they realized the possibilities of the future.

Sleep well my friends; the world just feels like a kinder place tonight. And don’t cease praying for each other, for our country and for our world.

Sunday After Chemo Four

2008-11-02T17:20:00.000-08:00

Another beautiful fall Sunday, All Saints Day; an emotional and thoughtful day to remember all of the Saints who brought us this far in our faith.

And another 2nd of the month for Ron and me; thirty seven years and ten months. We had a lovely lunch out with a friend and a drive around our beautiful parkway system.

Thursday night, I had the honor of being the guest of one of Shane’s favorite and most respected high school teachers as she was awarded the Tekne Award for Innovation in Teaching, presented by the MN High Tech Association. I was so touched to be her guest and to be able to celebrate with someone I greatly admire. I even made one of the pictures on the website at: http://henry.mpls.k12.mn.us/

Chemo four was a bit different. We started the Avastin so the initial time at the Cancer Center was ninety minutes longer. My friend, Phyllis, came and visited while Ron was driving pre-school children to and from church, so the time passed easily. Afterward there was a lot more pain and some nausea for about a day and a half. It wasn’t enough to miss work or my other activities, but I did whine a bit. I’m still a bit drowsy, but I’m able to flow with it now. I am also convinced that the pain was the Avastin choking off the blood supply to the tumors. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. When I checked in on Wednesday, I had gained 2 pounds and was happy about it. Who’d a guessed?

I’m looking forward to our busiest week of the year at work, our State of Students of Color and American Indians Students Conference, with energy of purpose as we help our state figure out how to address education inequities. We have put together an amazing group of leaders with a heart and a passion for doing it right this time. One of my heroes and fellow travelers in this work, Dr. Ronald Ferguson, is coming from Harvard to keynote and to work with a group of students. I have had the honor of attending his conferences the past two years and admire the knowledge and the research he has amassed in this field. I am so happy to be feeling strong and well as this week approaches.

And the election – I can’t wait to place my vote this time. Ron thinks we will be in line at 7:00 a.m. We’ll see. I know I won’t go to work without voting first. And it will be a late evening – I just want to feel well enough to attend a party.

I know this sounds like I have a lot of “wants” about my health. Honestly, I feel so much better than I did in August when I joined over thirty people on a 72 hour bus ride – a Sankofa Journey – that I am living in celebration. I didn’t even know how badly I felt until I began to feel better. The prayers of faithful people are lifting me to an appreciation of everything I have and am able to do. The hugs and smiles and kind wishes; Sashi stopping in on a surprise visit home; Jackson reaching for me from the communion line at church and cuddling for a minute; Rachel calling with a prayer request; Selena telling me the joke from the Halloween card we sent her; missing all of the kids on Halloween because Ron and I went to a play, but knowing they understood and that they were having fun with their uninterrupted evening; shopping for organic food with Ron – who’d a guessed that.

It’s all wonderful and we are living in a season of gratitude.

The quote Nicole picked for her ND graduation party sums it up: “For all that has been, thanks. For all that will be, yes.” Dag Hammarskjold

And we are living in Psalms 106:1 “Praise the LORD. Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever.”
And…
Philippians 4:6 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”

We enter this week celebrating and humbled by your presence in our lives. What great gifts each of you are. Thank you and Amen. What a Mighty God we Serve!

Monday Morning

2008-10-27T06:33:00.000-07:00

I slept all night last night and only woke up once – for a trip down the hall – and fell right back to sleep. What a Blessing!

We had a full and wonderful weekend - yellow gum ball days for sure.

I got to take our three oldest Granddaughters to see “Beverly Hills Chihuahua” on Saturday. It got long for three-year-old Kyla, but I didn’t mind a bit when she crawled on my lap to cuddle. And any movie that has a happy ending for a puppy is just a good thing.

Last night we watched the first 7 innings of the World Series game at Nicole and Eric’s so I got to play with the twins before they were whisked off to bed. Addison keeps adding new words to her repertoire and Jackson figures out how to do new things constantly. They are just plain fun. Addison had her first girl’s shopping trip with Nicole and I on Saturday. She took command of her stroller and just pushed it through the store until she decided to roll in it and have us push again.

Sunday morning was Children’s Sabbath at our church. The girls sang and Selena read scripture from Deuteronomy with a strong clear voice. She is a very good reader and gets lots of practice reading out loud to her sisters. It was a lovely service of honoring those who serve children and letting our children know that we care deeply for them. The puppet show was about the election and one of the puppets held up a “Ron Harris for President” sign, “because Ron cares about kids and their lives.” Ron does care about all the kids in our lives. But the other puppet was pretty sure Ron wouldn’t be able to stay awake in all the boring presidential meetings because “he can’t make it through a long sermon”. It was a wonderful morning.

But I do have to say one thing about questions. It doesn’t seem helpful to me for people to ask what “stage” I am in or what the “prognosis” is. Please just pray as if you don’t know. It was so helpful to me to talk to Nancy’s principal, three year’s past her cancer diagnosis, and hear her say she never looks at the CAT scans or ultra sounds; she just trusts that the professionals will do their jobs. And she is so positive. We haven’t looked at mine either. I believe the cancer is there and I don’t know what I can do except stay positive, eat right, get rest, laugh and stay close to God. The rest is out of my hands. I completely trust that the doctors are using their best knowledge for my treatment.

This weeks chemo starts on Wednesday at 10:00 a.m. We gratefully welcome your prayers of support for this process.

The scripture Selena read:
Deuteronomy 6:4-9 4 Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. [a] 5 Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. 6 These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. 7 Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. 8 Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. 9 Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

Normal

2008-10-23T07:07:00.000-07:00

Tuesday morning I walked out of the house on my way to work. The sun was bright and warm, though the air was a bit crisp. The sky was the bluest of blues. When I got to the car, I realized that I felt NORMAL; and normal was a WONDERFUL feeling!

Ron had just left for work and never picks up his CELL while he is driving, Shane was doing traffic duty, so I called Nicole and Marcus to CELEBRATE with them. Unfortunately, with both of them I was crying when I said I felt normal, so it took a bit of convincing – I’m not sure Marcus believed me until he saw me later.

It may have been the bowl of Karen’s split pea soup that I had about 2:00 a.m. – delicious! It was definitely a yellow gumball day! I am so filled with gratitude for each of you who accompany us on this journey as I try to be the person God wants me to be.

Chemo Three Finished

2008-10-19T16:50:00.000-07:00

Well, chemo three taught me to go to bed when I am tired. I had events or activities every night this week and Thursday night I slept for 14 hours. The chemo is in charge and I will remember that. Today I feel very well and strong. It is a journey of learning for sure.

On Tuesday, Dr. Thomas decided not to add the Avastin because, “Everything is going so well I don’t want to rock the boat.” I asked a few different ways to make sure this wasn’t compromising any progress and she assured me that it wasn’t; and I do trust her. We went to the therapy room and I told Ron I had forgotten to eat lunch before I came from work and wished I hadn’t. Before I finished the sentence, our friend Phyllis came around the corner with two Luna Bars and a precious card. What a God-incidence. Phyllis knows this chemo road well; having been a support to her sister, and her care meant so much to me on Tuesday. Her parents had also sent a chemo survival kit with reading material and a coloring book and many other items, and beautiful flowers. People who have traveled this road before are a source of strength and emotion for me. There are just too many families who know the intimate corners of cancer care and treatment.

Yesterday was our second annual pastie making day. Before you decide that I am talking about some inappropriate Halloween costume, I will explain. Pasties (short “a” sound) are meat pies totally wrapped in dough that miners used to take to work. They were hot out of the oven in the morning and good for warmth. By lunch time they were delicious and nourishing. Margaret, Nancy, Michelle, Nicole and I started at 8:00 a.m. and finished 90 pasties about 2:00 p.m. Margaret, Michelle and Hope had stopped at the farmers market to buy carrots, potatoes and onions on their way to Nicole’s. Margaret had pre-made all 90 piecrusts. What a lovely day and fun tradition. And they are delicious on a winter night!

Also yesterday, Marcus and the girls came over to "help" Ron hang our new living room drapes. It turned out to be much longer than the 30 minutes Marcus had promised Selena, but the girls were so busy with occupying their time that there were no complaints from them. And I love the drapes! They even make the old couch look better.

Today, Nicole and I saw, “The Secret Life of Bees” based on the book of the same name. We both loved the book and the movie was not a disappointment. It was so good to be out doing something that we enjoyed together (I think it was Nicole’s first movie since the twins were born).

I realize that I can’t think of myself anymore in any of the old familiar ways; I am a person with cancer. It is almost always in a back or front corner of my mind. As I was walking around a Bazaar with Nancy on Friday, and overhearing 2 or 3 conversations that included talk of someone with cancer, I sort of wondered if other people can just tell that I am in that club now. When I have meetings at work, I wonder if there is a point that the person across the table needs to know. The word always changes the focus of the meeting, so I usually don’t mention it unless I need to explain why my schedule my not be as concrete as it used to be. I love the busy days when there is no time for anything except the work at hand. On Friday, I went a few hours between thoughts of my new persona.

For those of you that have sent cards, and have not heard from me; you will hear from me soon. I can’t explain how touched I am by the beauty of the thoughts and the wishes and prayers you send.

So, we are at another Sunday evening and looking forward to a chemo free week ahead; still incredibly humbled by the prayers and the love; believing in God’s promise that God will be with us wherever we go. Even in the early morning hours when Satan tries to invade my hope, I cling to the knowledge that I serve a living God; and because He lived, all fear is gone; because I know He holds my future; and life is worth the living just because He lived.

Chemo Three

2008-10-13T18:11:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow will be the start of the third chemo treatment. After three weeks of yellow gum ball days, I’m sort of unrealistically hopeful but trying hard to prepare for whatever comes. My appointment with Dr. Thomas is at noon and the chemo is scheduled to begin at 1:00.

Tomorrow evening is my big Gates/Page Scholarship forum and I am planning to be there and to enjoy seeing all of the students who come with family members or school staff in hopes of earning a college scholarship. We began this event three years ago and it just gets better every year. Last year there were over 20 Gates Millennium Scholars from Minnesota. Before we started this event, there were none. Sometimes it just feels like you’re doing the right thing.

Nicole and a friend are having dinner with Michelle Obama tonight. I am so thrilled that she has this opportunity.

Marcus had his 34th birthday this weekend and we got to celebrate with him. We were all together and Shelly made a delicious dinner. I well remember when he was born and Ron was trying so hard to read the articles in his new Sports Illustrated while being interrupted with requests for ice chips and hand holding. Twenty two years later, to the date, Marcus was in the Sports Illustrated. What a wonderful journey it has been watching him grow into the husband and father he is now!

And Ron is still being interrupted with requests for hand holding; a bit more frequently lately. A few years ago we were in the car with the kids and one of them asked Ron about how he would handle it when I was retired and home with him all the time. He said he didn’t know how that would work. The child said, “Well, you married her.” Ron replied, “I wasn’t thinking that far ahead.” I guess we just don’t think of anything but the richer and the health when we take those vows. He has stepped up to this challenge with more strength and care than I could have prayed for. If this is my journey, I am so happy to have Ron for my traveling buddy.

The bills are beginning to arrive and I am so grateful for the Blessing of health insurance. I can’t imagine how much more difficult it would be to stay positive if the bills were adding to the burden. So many people work full time in this country and do not have health insurance.

I guess all of these entries are becoming “random thoughts”.

I enter tomorrow with joy, humility and hope; trying to be the person God wants me to be. We are grateful for your prayers and support as we move through the week.

Random Thoughts

2008-10-08T19:26:00.000-07:00

The other evening Christina Applegate quoted her mother, “Cancer is a word, not a sentence.”

Nicole bought a rather irreverent shirt that says, “Cancer, my Mom’s going to kick your ___!” On Saturday she developed a whole social group of people who loved the shirt and shared stories with her. She felt very uplifted and supported by the Costco strangers with whom she shared this life experience.

For a couple of years I have said almost every Sunday how I would love to have just one week when someone with cancer wasn’t added to our prayer list. It hasn’t happened yet, but it feels like we’re reaching critical mass. If everyone who is praying for one person with cancer starts praying fervently for the cure to be revealed, I think we can end this ravage. Don’t stop praying for individuals in the mean time.

I am reading Anticancer – A New Way of Life by David Servan-Schreiber. In one chapter he tells of a surgeon who discovered an angiostatin that was the beginning of the new chemotherapy drug I will add next week, Avastin. He made the discovery in the early sixties and was not taken seriously until the late seventies. Servan-Schreiber quotes Schopenhauer’s saying: “All great truth goes through three phases. First it is ridiculed, then violently attacked, and finally accepted as self-evident”. (Does that remind you of any other great truths?)

Judah Folkman, the surgeon, experienced all of those realities. But too many years were wasted in the process! Pray that the process will not continue that pattern; that researchers will be more interested in working together to cure and treat cancer than in the egocentricity of seeing their names on research projects; and that those who bestow grants to researchers will insist on building collaboratives of grantees who willingly share their findings and their questions.

We can do this!

One of my children was upset after my last blog when I said I was 99% positive. That child thought I was losing hope. I explained that on September 5th I was 99% negative; we’ve been carried a great distance. It would not be honest to say 100%.

The comment reminded me: I’m working on a report that includes the fact that less than 34% of students of color and American Indian students are proficient in math at a particular grade level in Minnesota. Very few people seem outraged at that. Think of the difference in our futures if that percent was changed to 99%.

Thank you again and again for the faithful prayers and the love. I wouldn’t have gotten to 99% without each of you.

And I will remember Joshua 1:9
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not be discouraged. Do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."

Another Precious Sunday

2008-10-05T16:09:00.000-07:00

What a beautiful rainy cool fall day this is; complete with thunder!

Selena, Juliana and Kyla all sang in the Children’s Gospel Choir this morning – a first time for Kyla. And they were, of course, wonderful. The first song they sang has been going through my head all day:
“Lord, I know you hear me; you hear me when I pray.
Even when I can’t seem to find all the words to say.”
They sang it like they believe it and I believe it, too. In the quiet of the night when sleep is illusive, I just know God hears the rambling prayers I whisper. And what a special gift to hear that reinforced by three of our Granddaughters.

Our friend Rudy took pictures of Ron and I with all of the Grandchildren after church. We have a couple of nice ones and several with a great deal of personality. Thank you, Rudy for bringing over the CD this afternoon.

I have pretty much reached my quota for baseball watching this week, but I love watching the games with Ron – except for the Cubs. How long are these playoffs anyway?

Sashi shared this verse with me this week and I am claiming it as the TRUTH of our journey of faith:
Psalm 62:5-6

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my HOPE comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken."

I remain 99% positive during the day and about 96.5% positive at night. I will not be shaken; I do know where my hope comes from.

I still don’t know how to show my gratitude for all of the kindnesses. I will try to be a worthy recipient, and please know that my heart is full with love and appreciation.

Please enjoy your week and savor each day on its own merit; and when you pray, please remember Jessica.

Chemo 2 is Finished

2008-10-03T06:12:00.000-07:00

What I learned this week is to not anticipate, but roll with whatever happens. I had prepped myself for the cumulative effects of chemo and fully expected to be very low energy and have other issues this time. It didn’t happen. I worked both days the chemo was in and spent one evening at church. I am already working up to not having such high expectations for next time, but…

Being the recipients of sincere prayer, flowers, food, cards, love and a big jar of yellow gum balls is very humbling. Frankly, it’s just overwhelming to have so much support on this journey. Know that you have touched our souls in unimaginable ways with your care.

For several years, Ron and I have celebrated our “month anniversary” on the 2nd of each month. So yesterday we went out for lunch, between work and chemo removal, on our 37 year 9 month anniversary. It was good to have a normal for a little while.

Please continue to pray for Jessica and her family. She is improving, and has a regimen for ongoing care.

God is! Amen and amen.

Chemo 2

2008-09-30T05:46:00.000-07:00

Today I begin the 2nd round of Chemo at 1:00 p.m. Ron is going to the doctor with me this morning, but I encouraged him not to stay for the chemo session. It’s a long time to sit in a chair and wait, and I have a book to read and work to do and there is a TV as a last resort.

Last week was all yellow gum ball days. I worked all day, every day and had evening events 3 nights. I actually felt better than I have for a few months. Probably the transfusion that I had two weeks ago was helpful, but there were some pains that I had grown accustomed to that just disappeared. It was a wonderful week and we rejoiced in it!

Last weekend we were with all of our grandchildren and children, so we have much to celebrate!

We continue to be grateful for all of the prayers and cards and messages. We have the most amazing people traveling this journey with us. Thank you for your part!

So, I enter this chemo session buoyed with the prayers and love and support of you all and the path is so much lighter. And, of course, I will take that bag Nicole gave me which is printed with, “Cancer picked the wrong Diva.”

A New Week

2008-09-24T00:45:00.000-07:00

An educator that I worked with used to tell the students as they left her class “Go out there and make it a yellow gum ball day.” I never knew exactly what that meant, but it sounded like a very good thing; she said that yellow gum balls were the very best.

For the last two days, I have felt so strong and well and I have thought several times, “This is a yellow gum ball day!”

“This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.” I just can't stop smiling.

Every day of our marriage, before Ron steps out of bed, he says, "Thank you, Lord, for allowing me to wake up this morning." I have not been as disciplined, but I'm beginning to get it - even the days that aren't "yellow gum ball" days are great gifts - it's just easier to be grateful for the "yellow gum ball" days. I vow to remember this on my chemo days next week.

Rejoice in your day today. And please continue to pray for Jessica as her improvement gives her family reason for hope.

Sunday

2008-09-21T21:28:00.000-07:00

This was the second Sunday of our new journey with our church family. This time Nicole’s twins were under the weather and unable to be there. Marcus’ girls were with Ron and me for the day and Shane brought Alaiya to church for the first time. It was deeply touching for us to see Shane so completely welcomed back and loved. And to hear him playing the drums again was an extra Blessing.

After Sunday school, Juliana and Kyla were telling me the stories they had learned about Jesus healing Lazarus and Jesus restoring sight to the blind man, when one of my friends asked them if Grandma was a little sick. Juliana said, “Well, she has cancer.” It was matter of fact, without the drama of an adult. I’m grateful she has been given permission to use the word. I know she believes that Jesus heals.

At the end of the service we sang, “Because He Lives”. It felt a bit like a test of faith for me to say the words I have sung and loved for many years.

“Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, all fear is gone.
Because I know He holds my future;
And life is worth the living just because He lives.”

And by the last time through, I was able to sing it strongly with conviction of the truth of our faith. Those words in that melody carried the power of true rebirth. Amen and amen.

Our day was complete at the park on this last day of calendar summer and then home for a nap for Grammona and some painting and coloring and games of “Go Fish” with Papa Bear. Selena and Shane did the lawn and Shane took all of the girls out for ice cream. The only thing missing was the twins. Nicole is so lovingly careful with my immune system and they have had a bug all week, so we miss them bunches.

Please continue to pray; and remember Jessica.

I’ve said it before, but I just continue to be awed by the very physical feeling of being lifted up by the prayers of faithful people. It does matter that we pray for each other.

My "Diet"

2008-09-20T17:39:00.000-07:00

Ron and I were going out for our walk this evening and our back yard neighbor, Margaret, was in the yard with some of her grandchildren and great-grandchildren. I waved and she yelled, “Are you losing weight?”

After I said yes, she said, “You look great! What about the old man?”

I guess neither of us has told Margaret yet and she has been in and out of town the last two weeks. One of these days we’ll have to tell her, too; or not. As long as she thinks I look great…

How interesting though that when my health is kind of not so good someone would think I look good because my weight is down. Honestly, I felt healthier about 35 pounds ago.

Are we really so consumed with the runway mentality that we don’t see anything but physique? I guess I have been. Who I thought I was got all wrapped up in how I thought I looked. And how I thought I looked never measured up. It was all about size.

And I knew that not liking the way I looked didn’t honor God, but it was one thing I could not completely turn over to God, to let God handle. I tried (sort of); I bought the books with faith based weight loss programs; my friend Rachel and I bought the workout record, “Firm Believer” many, many years ago. I did everything but the most important thing. And God was there all the time, loving me just as I am, in spite of my lack of faith. What a mighty God we serve!

With man, this is impossible, but with God all things are possible!

First Chemo Finished

2008-09-19T06:34:00.000-07:00

It is amazing and supportive and uplifting to get your phone calls and cards telling us that you are lifting us all in prayer. We know we are Blessed with the presence of each of you in our lives. And we are feeling the power of your prayers.

It is very hard to describe what it feels like to be the recipient of the love of prayers. There is a very physical feeling of being carried; a sort of protection, but more like a lightening of the load; a sense that other hands and legs and hearts are part of this journey with us. It is very real and I don’t know how to show gratitude for all that it means to us.

I finished my first set of Chemotherapy yesterday. The routine will be that on every other Tuesday we go into the Humphrey Cancer Center and meet with the Dr. Thomas and my friends in the lab. Then we begin anti-nausea drugs and two or three of the chemo therapy drugs. Then I get a forty-six hour pump with the last drug in it that I just wear until the time runs out. We were able to get home health care through our insurance, so the nurse will meet me at home or work at the end and remove everything. Being the first time, this went well. I am told the anti-nausea drugs have much improved the process. I was tired last night, but had no other side effects.

Shelly’s family needs particular support this week. On Monday, her sister Jessica, who was 8 months pregnant, went into heart failure. She was sent by ambulance from Hibbing to Duluth and by air to the Mayo in Rochester. Her precious baby girl was born healthy and well on Tuesday – and has gone home with her paternal grandparents. Please pray support for all of them and for the doctors and nurses caring for Jessica. I just got a caring bridge site that Shelly set up for Jessica; www.caringbridge.org the name is jaygraves.

Thank you, each of you. Know that I cherish each interaction and I cherish all of the people who make this journey what it has been and continues to be. This week we are praying that the chemo met its mark and has begun its work.

The Journey Takes a Side Road

2008-09-17T06:54:00.000-07:00

Several people have suggested I start this blog to share our journey. At first, it seemed self-serving, but I now realize that it makes sense as a way for people to keep in touch and to take the pressure of passing on information off of my family.

Two weeks ago I was anticipating a rather routine ventral hernia repair and my surgeon decided I should have an ultrasound for what she thought might be gall stones.

One day later she called with the news that the ultrasound had revealed a mass in my abdomen and lesions on my liver. She wanted me to call her office at 9:00 Monday morning and set up a biopsy and an appointment with the oncologist. We were completely blindsided and Ron and I spent two days trying to regroup while allowing our children and families one more normal weekend. Denial worked off and on, but we knew we couldn’t stay there long.

After a week of tests and blood transfusions, I started chemo therapy yesterday. Our doctor was very encouraging. This is colon cancer and is currently very treatable. I am wearing a pump for 46 hours of chemo and am feeling well.

We are gratefully accepting the prayer requests of faithful people as we enter and continue this journey.

Our family is amazing and supportive and loving. Our church family and our friends have cared for us with prayer and love and food (Who brought the wonderful zucchini bread yesterday?). I am so humbled to be the recipient of such generosity.